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Telephone 'Way Back In 1900 

and 
One Glass Too Many 



The 
Telephone 'Way Back In 1900 

and 
One Glass Too Many 



By 
Charles T. Pratt 



Providence, R. I. 

Standard Printing Company 

1912 






Copyright 1912 
By Charles T. Pratt 



gd.A3l6270 
> / 



The Telephone 'Way Back In 1900 
And One Glass Too Many 



[Rings] [Rings again] Egad ! [Rings long] 

" What do I ring that way for ? " Cause I couldn't wake 
yer up ringin' any other way. I want Oxford Three 
thousand four hundred and ninety-six. What's that? 
"That number's changed ! " Well I, I 'er, well I don't 
mind that. I don't care so much what the number is 

jest now — I want to talk to him. Well, what in 

do I care if it is changed, I didn't change it. Well, then, 
give me the number it's changed to. What's that? 
Who's this talkin' now? This the chief operator? 
Well, so much the worse ! I don't — Well if I must, 
give me the number. " Oxford-six-o ? " Now what do I 
do ? Oh ! [Rings] Will you please give me Oxford- 
six-o. At last! Hullo, Is this the — Oh-h, "Do I get 
anything yet ? " Well I get nothin' more than total 

paralysis of my left arm. Hullo, is this the 

automobile stable ? I say, is this the automobile bar- 
racks ? Well, Mr. Garage, or whatever yer name is, do 
you keep automobiles ? How much do you sharge for 
'em by the hour ? What ! ! Do I hear right ? " Five 
dollars ! " I only wanted one ! I mean the price by the 
hour, not by the day. Thas all right, my friend, thas all 



right, but yer see this is not Mr. Rockerfeller that's talk- 
in , to yer ! I am no Pierpont Mor " Who am I, any- 
way ? " I'll tell yer who I am. I'm only a poor, plain, 
ordinary, every day — millionaire ! and yer don't want to 
be springin' any ^z/fe'-millionaire prices on me. My 
dear man, I don't want to buy yer machine, I want to 
rent it ! I say I want to rent it. Rent ! Can't yer hear 
anything ? Hire, I want to hire one. Oh, no ! no ! no ! 
I didn't say I wanted a higher price ! I want a lower 
price for the hire of one — for the use of one. Do I look 
as if I wanted to buy autos in car load lots ? No, I am 
not "given to slight esaggeration," either. Sentiment 
about your rates and sharges can't be esaggerated 1 

What's that ? You'll make a re Oh, you'll " make 

a reduction." Well, well, thas more like it, Now yer 
talkin' ! How much? How much? Well I'll be 
damned ! Well, what do yer know about that, now ! 
You say "you'll throw off fifty cents?" Look here, 
young man, if you throw off money around here in that 
reckless fashion, you're liable to sprain yer arm ! Does 
this munificent concession take place by the hour, or 
only at the close of the engagement ? Do I understand, 
that when your machine's brought back and paid for, 
you hand me for discount, fifty cents in a lump sum ? 

Well I'm very glad I do misunderstand yer. Wh 

"Close!" You think I'm close? Well allow me to 
observe that / think you are closer than paint on a board ! 
" Didn't say I was ? " Well, what did yer say ? [Moves 



nearer] Oh, you want me to stand close to this con- 
founded telephone ! Well, I can't stand any closer un- 
less I run into it. You do ! You say you laugh at me ! 
Well, your terms and prices are enough to make a horse 
laugh! If a horse may laugh, why shouldn't a jackass 
like you laugh ? " Didn't say that ? " Well, what did yer 
say ? Oh, " you hear 'em laugh in this room " ! Of course 
yer do ! They're laughin'at your idiot, fool remarks. Well 
of all the — well I do think so — yes ! most esorbitant, 
most estortionate. Why they tell me that up in Boston 
they let 'em for — "You can't help what they do in 
Boston?" Well they don't want any of yer help in 
Boston ! 'S'all you can do to paddle along by yerself. 
Nothin' of the sort. Nothin' of the sort. I never lose 
my temper. You're the one that's excited. I repeat it 
sir. I never lost my temper in my life — so's but what 
I found it again. You're another ! and top o' that you're 
a boiled idiot ! You're a liar and blackguard ! You're 

a damn If 'twant for the rules of the telephone es- 

change I'd 'spress my 'pinion of you, sir, in suitable and 
'propriate language ! I didn't ! I didn't say it ! Never said 
it, or anything like it, or anything that could be twisted 
into that meaning. I didn't say it and you know it ! 
[Flourishes receiver] You know better ! I don't hear 
a continental word you say. I don't pro — [Notices 
receiver in hand, replaces it to ear] Aw what's the use 
talkin' 'bout it ? Wait a minute. [Wipes away perspir- 
ation] Now then we'll fight another round. What's 



that ? You say you can sell your auto ? Well what 
the hell do I care if you can sell it ? Go ahead and sell 
yer old shackleback if yer want to, you can't sell it to 
me ! Didn't say you could sell it ? Jest heard yer. 
Well what in thunder did yer say ? Oh, you cancel the 
order} I didn't — I don't — Hullo! [Hangs up re- 
ceiver] 

I'll walk fifty miles 'fore I'll hire an automobile ! 

Gol darn a telephone anyway ! 



JUN 22 1912 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




